Let's face it– people don't always say the right things. Thankfully, the intentions of most people are good at heart, but often times the words they say don’t come out that way.
It's hard to know what to say in difficult situations where there isn't much anyone can say to express their empathy and support to their friend in some of the darkest times of that friend's life. Mostly when people do this the words that come out of their mouths is only used to comfort or make them feel better about the situation rather than comforting to the person who needs the support. On a regular basis, I have encountered situations that go like the one above. When people find out I am chronically ill, they often respond with poor word choice, a sense of shyness, or inappropriate statements that force me into an awkward silence as I start blankly at them trying to figure out how I should respond– often times I am unable to respond. Here are a few of the statements I have heard that I feel people should refrain from using along with a couple of phrases about what to say instead:
(Reminder... as crazy as it may seem, all of these words have been spoken to me at least once in the last few years.)
It's hard to know what to say in difficult situations where there isn't much anyone can say to express their empathy and support to their friend in some of the darkest times of that friend's life. Mostly when people do this the words that come out of their mouths is only used to comfort or make them feel better about the situation rather than comforting to the person who needs the support. On a regular basis, I have encountered situations that go like the one above. When people find out I am chronically ill, they often respond with poor word choice, a sense of shyness, or inappropriate statements that force me into an awkward silence as I start blankly at them trying to figure out how I should respond– often times I am unable to respond. Here are a few of the statements I have heard that I feel people should refrain from using along with a couple of phrases about what to say instead:
(Reminder... as crazy as it may seem, all of these words have been spoken to me at least once in the last few years.)
1) Refrain from saying: After hearing your story, I realize my problems are minuscule in comparison to people like you who are living such horrible and tragic lives. It shows me my problems aren't something I should freak out about, because many are going through so much worse."
First of all, I don't like it when people are emotionally dismissive of their own problems. Phrases like this have always irritated me because I know there are countless people in the world with problems that might be worse than mine, but I also know that just because someone has it worse doesn't mean my problems are insignificant. Who are they to say my problems are worse than theirs? They aren't worse, they are just different. Life is not a competition of who is hurting more than the other. Secondly, the stranger tried to tell me about my life, as he made an assumption that my life sucks because I am sick. I don't think my life is horrible and only to an extent would I ever consider my life is tragic. Yes, bad things have happened to me and that's pretty unfortunate but there are still so many good things out there. The good always outweighs the bad, even in the most desperate of situations. I am still doing fairly well despite the events of my diagnosis. I am headed into my junior year of college, I spoke in front of 31,000 teenagers a few weeks ago, I have an amazing group of friends who are now my family, and I live in a community where I feel loved, supported, and valued. There isn't much more I could ask for!
Instead, say: "Your story reminds me what really matters in life because despite all that you are going through you are still pressing on. It makes me realize I too need to be as resilient during my own struggles."
By saying this, it does not dismiss the problems you are going through. This statement also acknowledges that I know what it means to struggle but doesn't express your view of my life as horrible.
2) Refrain from saying: "I would kill myself if I was in your situation."
I would like to think that this one is pretty obvious as to why someone shouldn't say this but I guess not... Suicide is NEVER the answer! I don't understand how referencing it as an option could help someone "feel better" about their own situation.
Instead, say: "I don't know what your situation is like, but I know it can't be easy."
By expressing this it shows the person that one can see their situation is challenging, even though they may not be able to relate to their pain on the same level.
3) Refrain from saying: "I could never do what you have to do."
A person can never understand what they are capable of until they are thrown into that situation themselves. I never thought I would be able to stab myself with needles every night but look at what I am doing now. It beats the alternative... There are many days when I don't want to do this anymore, but if I woke up one day and decided I couldn't do any of this anymore I would be dead– plain and simple. I still struggle with the idea of not wanting to do this, but I have to. As long as someone is provided with the proper support and love they too can make it through some of the hardest days of their lives.
Instead, say: "I see you and I am here to support you."
Remind the person that they are never alone in their struggle. People need to be reminded that they are loved. They need to be reminded that there's a group of people who know they are struggling and want to help. While those people may never fully understand how challenging their struggle is, it is nice to hear someone acknowledge another's heartache.
I understand it is incredibly hard to know what to say when there is nothing to say and one doesn’t know how to help. Sometimes, it feels easier to say nothing at all, however, people don't always need you to help them through things. What they need is for you to listen to them– to sit by them and hold their hand. Sometimes that is the best thing someone can do for a person... Everyone can remind someone that they are not alone in all this. The truth is people suck but taking a step back from our busy lives to help another suffering soul can make all the difference in the lives of others.
Instead, say: "Your story reminds me what really matters in life because despite all that you are going through you are still pressing on. It makes me realize I too need to be as resilient during my own struggles."
By saying this, it does not dismiss the problems you are going through. This statement also acknowledges that I know what it means to struggle but doesn't express your view of my life as horrible.
2) Refrain from saying: "I would kill myself if I was in your situation."
I would like to think that this one is pretty obvious as to why someone shouldn't say this but I guess not... Suicide is NEVER the answer! I don't understand how referencing it as an option could help someone "feel better" about their own situation.
Instead, say: "I don't know what your situation is like, but I know it can't be easy."
By expressing this it shows the person that one can see their situation is challenging, even though they may not be able to relate to their pain on the same level.
3) Refrain from saying: "I could never do what you have to do."
Instead, say: "I see you and I am here to support you."
I understand it is incredibly hard to know what to say when there is nothing to say and one doesn’t know how to help. Sometimes, it feels easier to say nothing at all, however, people don't always need you to help them through things. What they need is for you to listen to them– to sit by them and hold their hand. Sometimes that is the best thing someone can do for a person... Everyone can remind someone that they are not alone in all this. The truth is people suck but taking a step back from our busy lives to help another suffering soul can make all the difference in the lives of others.
