Friday, December 18, 2015

Dodging Bullets

When faced with different struggles in life we must learn how to cope and adapt. Learning how to adapt is a complex process. You have to be able to find your "new normal." Your problems are still there, but eventually you become so well adapted that you are able to walk through the fire with only a few scars. While it may appear the world may believe one is handling life fairly well that isn't always the case. People can only see your emotions based on how you look or act and just because someone acts okay it doesn't mean they truly are okay. Those people don't get to see inside your head. While they may think you are handling the complications of life so well, there is a real possibility that you are scared out of your mind.

There isn't much of a choice of whether to move on with your life or not. You have to keep moving forward because time never stops. Life never stops. There's no such thing as a break. You repeatedly dodge bullets day in and day out, eventually you get used to fighting this battle. It shouldn't be that way. That's the sad thing, you know. Some people get so used to fighting that the fight it hardly ever phases them anymore.

The original wounds have now healed but they still tear open from time to time. When those wounds tear open they are just as raw as they were from the start, but this time when the pain comes around again you are used to it. It's almost as if you expect something like this to happen. You expect the negative to happen, because it's easier to prepare yourself knowing the pain to come back. I had protected myself for so long, but I finally allowed myself to believe that maybe things were getting better. I felt so normal that I let my guard down.

Now here I am sitting here preparing myself to re-live this for a second time. I am attempting to fix the wounds that hurt me so much before but this time I know the pain. I've learned how to live with the pain but I just can't explain how. It's easy to explain the physical and medical side of a chronic condition, but the toll it can take on one emotionally is much more difficult to share. The worst feeling in the world is watching your world fall apart yet again, but being unable to explain how much it hurts you. So you get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other every single day putting on a show for the world because maybe if everyone believes that you're okay, everything just might be okay even when it's not.

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Dear Younger Me

When I was younger I never expected this to happen to me because it was always my brother who was sick. Clearly life has other plans in store. This struggle has made me. The experiences, adventures, and opportunities have shown me what life is really all about and not too many people get to understand life on this scale during their own lifetime much less as a teenager.

This is my final project in one of my classes at school. We had to write a poem that was a letter to your younger or future self which included a multimedia project. Words are listed below! I hope you like it.

Dear Younger Me,

You don’t know this yet, but life will be a battle
So, play your heart out
Love a little deeper
And live for the little things

Soon life won’t be so carefree anymore
It was just another Saturday soccer game
But you never knew it would be your last
Just a few days later you’ll be in a hospital bed

You never saw this coming
You will ask the question: Why?
You’ll ask so many times, but no one knows why
Things weren’t supposed to get worse
But they did
It happened so fast and you had no control

The coming years will be a fight for your life
Surgeries, diagnoses, doctors, procedures, pain
But also love
And loved you are
You have an army marching behind you
They will carry you every step of the way

You’ll feel lost
And misunderstood

However, you are much more than just another sad story
Your story is one of faith, loss, hope, and survival
You will make this story beautiful

Your life is a story
And it will make an impact
No one should have to fight this fight
And you want to make that happen

You were dealt a real bad hand
But always have hope
Because hope will make you fight for your life

Keep on fighting,