Friday, December 18, 2015

Dodging Bullets

When faced with different struggles in life we must learn how to cope and adapt. Learning how to adapt is a complex process. You have to be able to find your "new normal." Your problems are still there, but eventually you become so well adapted that you are able to walk through the fire with only a few scars. While it may appear the world may believe one is handling life fairly well that isn't always the case. People can only see your emotions based on how you look or act and just because someone acts okay it doesn't mean they truly are okay. Those people don't get to see inside your head. While they may think you are handling the complications of life so well, there is a real possibility that you are scared out of your mind.

There isn't much of a choice of whether to move on with your life or not. You have to keep moving forward because time never stops. Life never stops. There's no such thing as a break. You repeatedly dodge bullets day in and day out, eventually you get used to fighting this battle. It shouldn't be that way. That's the sad thing, you know. Some people get so used to fighting that the fight it hardly ever phases them anymore.

The original wounds have now healed but they still tear open from time to time. When those wounds tear open they are just as raw as they were from the start, but this time when the pain comes around again you are used to it. It's almost as if you expect something like this to happen. You expect the negative to happen, because it's easier to prepare yourself knowing the pain to come back. I had protected myself for so long, but I finally allowed myself to believe that maybe things were getting better. I felt so normal that I let my guard down.

Now here I am sitting here preparing myself to re-live this for a second time. I am attempting to fix the wounds that hurt me so much before but this time I know the pain. I've learned how to live with the pain but I just can't explain how. It's easy to explain the physical and medical side of a chronic condition, but the toll it can take on one emotionally is much more difficult to share. The worst feeling in the world is watching your world fall apart yet again, but being unable to explain how much it hurts you. So you get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other every single day putting on a show for the world because maybe if everyone believes that you're okay, everything just might be okay even when it's not.

2 comments:

  1. I also have Gastroparesis. You are so right. How do you get someone healthy to understand a tiredness that rocks you to your core. Putting on that smile every day is the only way I would live my life, but it is sooo tiring. I just want to be who I used to be. I lked that person. I knew who she was.

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