One Year Since Brain Injury Entered My Life

A year ago my brain was destroyed… Okay well maybe it wasn’t completely destroyed but there are days it sure does feel like it. Over the last few weeks, I have been processing more on the emotional impact this has taken me. When most people ask me about my emotions they are surprised to find out I am in the stage of limbo. This is because since day one they have been heartbroken and devastated for me. However, that is a privilege they possess that I do not. They have the privilege to reflect on and grasp the enormity of my situation. They have been given the chance to not only let go and breathe. While I and those walking alongside me have been under a constant assault. Since last April our lives have been moving faster than a bullet train. We are more than overwhelmed. Each time I think we will get the chance to try to jump we wind up missing the platform. We are now forced to start over again. Otherwise described as the never-ending train of setbacks.

From Traumatic Brain Injury Support Group on Facebook

A few weeks ago, I was talking with one of those people who are walking alongside me. It was brought up about how the one year anniversary is rapidly approaching. So what should we do about it is the question? Celebrating the unimaginable does not seem like an appropriate response. And with our current social distancing climate that is even more inappropriate. Although, some cake would be nice... But in all seriousness, this day can’t go unrecognized. I have endured far too much pain for the day to be swept under the rug, so for my own sake, I need to acknowledge how hard I have fought. Others try to acknowledge this by telling me how incredible I am for making it through the last year. However, I don’t always believe them; all I see is the number of times I have cried, the number of times I have wound up unconscious somewhere, the number of times I do not remember events in my day, the number of times I have not been able to do a task that was once so easy for me, and the number of times I have felt like a failure.

No matter how much I plead, I will never be who I was before. And I know all too well who I was and what I did the day before the “day that changed it all.” It was the final day of my spring break, junior year of college, a Sunday. It was my best friend’s last day in town before she headed home. We went to Carowinds the day before and did not get home till late so we slept in skipping church, my mom took us both to get donuts, then took a trip to target. We had a final hurrah before she left at the local pizza shop where we ordered Mac and Cheese pizza. Hannah left and that was it. It was just me and my mom until she left for work the next day and I went back to my first day of classes. On Monday I went back to make it through the entire day without a single worry. I did not feel off at all during that day. The last thing I have a true memory of is sitting down at home to do homework.

Then in a matter of hours, my entire world was altered. Since then I have been left feeling trapped by this situation. I feel trapped by these experiences in which I cannot control because my brain is broken. My brain is learning how to work again. This is not something I will ever escape from pretending it never happened. Healing from a brain injury will be a life long healing process. Recovery has no end; it won’t turn out like a cookie cutter Hallmark movie. And even if it did that does not make the process to get to a state of recovery any easier. Brain injury recovery is hard and it is certainly not without suffering.

The last year has changed so much about who I am and what I intend to do in the future. Despite all this I know: I am still hurting. I am still struggling. But I am still alive. I am still here. And that is the real privilege.

March is Brain Injury Awareness Month

     Public Service Announcement: March is Brain Injury Awareness Month. March also marks 11 months since the event that led to my brain injury. I am still unable to fully comprehend what happened to me on April Fools Day 2019. Yes, I know the details of the events that occurred on that day. For some odd reason, my blood sugar hit 23 causing me to have a seizure. This left me unconscious for roughly ten minutes and I finally came back while EMTs were stabilizing me to be transported to the hospital. However, I still am unable to fully understand what actually occurred on that day. How could this single episode, this one seizure, which lasted only a handful of minutes flip my life around like this? I don’t recognize who this young woman is when I look back at myself in the mirror and that is terrifying.

     My injury has left me at a complete loss. I have difficulties in social settings, abnormal sleeping patterns, my ability to read, see, and the concentrate is impaired. I struggle with uncontrolled epileptic seizures, significant memory loss, migraines, fatigue, emotional lability, heightened sensitivity to lights and loud noises, slurred speech, tremors, and the inability to regulate my body’s blood sugar level… The unfortunate reality is as it appears I will live with all of these things for the rest of my life. I hope things will improve once we get epilepsy under control but the truth is we don’t know.

     At the beginning of last summer, everyone believed my brain damage would not be permanent. I was making strides that led us to believe I would recover. Clearly, that was not the reality. Maybe we were living with rose-colored glasses? Or maybe we were naive? Everyone wanted to hold on to the hope that things would turn out to be okay. But I have learned the unfortunate reality about brain injury… Brain injury never goes away. I will never be okay. I won’t reach complete healing.

     It is hard to explain what it is like to live with a life-altering brain injury to someone who has never experienced one for themselves. I hope what I have to say about my experience helps you understand my world a little better…

I have sat in class staring at my sheet of paper blankly after forgetting how to spell the word ‘background.’ I cried.

I did not know I would unreasonably sob because I lost where I put my headphones. I never cry but in the last eleven months I have cried more than I ever have before and some days I don’t understand myself why I am crying.

I never thought my friends would be ripped out of my life.

     I wish I knew how many people would up and walk out of my life because they are so terrified I might have a seizure that they decided to quit wanting to spend time with me. I know some people can’t handle my fight. I know people are scared. Hell, I am scared too and that is more than okay. But you know what? I would rather have someone tell me that instead of shutting me out of their life without having said a word. 

     I am still the person I was on March 31st, 2019. I want people to remember that me. I still have that inside of me but the only difference is my brain is broken. It hurts seeing posts on social media. I look at these posts and think I should have the opportunity to be there too. I have missed out on more than you can imagine because the world assumes I am too sick to go hang out with them. I have been shut out and left out on far too many social events. These are the activities I crave and the ones that make me feel normal.

March 31st, 2019 with my best friend on the last day of Spring Break before heading back to finish up the spring semester of my junior year.

I never thought I would go from an A student to a student who is failing exams because my brain would affect my ability to learn like I once did. I now spend weeks having to write a paper for class even for my blog posts.

I didn’t think I would be terrified to spend time alone and that my independence would be taken from my hands.

It is incredibly frustrating to live when most days you don’t even remember what kind of life you are living. At the end of the day, I am unable to remember half of the things that happened.

Every day I feel as if a storm is occurring inside my brain. Every misfire in my brain feels like a lightning strike. All my thoughts are swept up by the wind and thrown around without care. The sound of the rain drowns out the rest of the world so I can’t focus on anything but the storm. It is the storm that is ripping my brain apart and I hate having to live through this experience. But this storm has me trapped and I have nowhere to run.

I was never good at asking for help before this but now whenever someone asks me what I need my mind goes blank.

However, the good news is we adapt to our newest set of circumstances.

     Everyone adapts in order to survive, but we don’t always see the small adaptations we have to make in our lives because they typically are not as monumental as a brain injury. Brain injury is an adaptation that completely alters everything. Adaptations are not supposed to be comfortable. I will be the first to tell you my experience has not been enjoyable. It has filled me with so many new questions, unknowns, and terrifying conversations. I wish I knew brain injury would alter my life in the way it did.