Saturday, July 12, 2014


Terminal...I hate that word. I don't hate it in that sense of just someone having to go through that process of life where you die from an illness. I hate it on a personal sense. It isn't just someone to me. That someone is real. I guess it's the story of my life. No I'm not dying and I am pretty sure I won't drop dead tomorrow. I mean I don't know that but at least I hope not.

Referring to the word terminal has always been weird for me. We know the prognosis of how things are playing out in the life of my brother and I. Some days we are doing great other days not so much. I know the medical procedures we endure have complications that can result in death. Yes even diagnosis has that "terminal" word attached to it at times.

How does dying effect me more than anyone else? Most people don't even realize that they are dying. Death just doesn't even seem real for many people. I was talking with someone who said she never experienced death until she was twenty two. I was shocked. Death is just kinda a common thing for me. Sadly I can name off a handful of my friends who have passed away from their illness. "Normal" people don't experience death typically. It isn't something they have to think about. They don't have to worry about dying tomorrow they just don't even feel like it's real until it actually happens to them or someone they love.

 How does dying effect me more than anyone else? The word feels like such a limit. Just because we are sick does that mean we are dying? To me it kinda looks like we are still living! Death is just a process everyone goes through and when you really think about it for a minute...aren't we all dying? Every single day, every minute as a matter of fact we are all getting one step closer to our death the clock is ticking. Okay now that's the pessimist way of looking at it. Well now focus on the positives. If you are reading this I am pretty sure you are alive. Do you have a pulse? That means you are living. At least I am pretty sure that's what the definition was in the dictionary.  We are all alive and living.

Which means we are living while dying. Some people just live their life better than others. I guess that means some people also have to die in a different fashion just like we live in a different fashion. So my question is why do we call ones life terminal such as mine or my brothers when we just know what's going to kill us? Yes our disease probably will kill us if some natural disaster doesn't first. So if we put this the right way then we are considered terminal because we know what is going to kill us. No we do not necessarily know when. It could be today, tomorrow by chance, or even six years from now! That is the same with "normal" people. You yourself could die today, tomorrow, or even six years from now.

I guess to me it feels weird to put a label on someone when truth be told we don't know. I guess maybe I am just someone who is hoping for a miracle and I will be the first one to admit that I am. Holding on to hope that one day we will overcome the odds and I am pretty sure that's gonna happen if you have ever met my brother and I.

People always treat you weird when they find out you are dying. I've noticed that. I know I'm not dying per say but it also goes along with being sick. Most people think just because you have a chronic illness it means it's terminal and it's the end of the world. I'm just trying to be real I guess. Terminal is just a really weird world. To me it means that now I know what's going to kill me. Well actually I am more than likely this will kill me. I don't know and neither do the doctors. That's God's plan. I could get hit by a car tomorrow then this label won't apply to me anymore! No I am not hoping for that at all. I just think people go about the word in a wrong way.

Most of the time doctors give us a time frame. They say "six months to a year." And I don't know that just sounds so weird and so stupid. Why give a time frame on life when you don't know? Is that somehow supposed to prepare the family better? I know I'm not a psychologist but I am pretty sure that would make me feel like shit. I know I'm not the only one.

Doctors give us these words and what happens when we live past them? Or we don't die. We just keep living and the disease doesn't kill us. The words of how things don't look good. Terminal just tears me apart and dying in general. No we aren't dying. We are LIVING. And to me that's a damn good answer.

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